who cares? i choose to bitch, u can choose not to listen

for months, i kept having the urge to update my blog. i had so much to write that i dun even know where to start.

it's amazing how life can do a fast twist and turn.

but after all these months, i am officially announcing this:

screwed it. i dun care if anyone reads it and get upset by my words.

or thinks i am a bitch and do nothing but whine.

or feels that an alien kidnapped the old apes and replace it with another replica that has no feelings.

shouldn't this be a venue for me to rant? so why should i even bother how other would feel?

like i said: i have made my decision to bitch. u can choose to ignore.

because of what happen last year, i kinda dreaded "the day" coming.

i waited for almost 6 hours before u turn up and act as if it was no big deal.

i voiced out my unhappiness and u told me not to be petty.

we join the rest like usual. squash & mj

and that was it.

my mum promise me she would make my favourite dishes on that day.

and she called to cancel cox she's afraid that my nephew is hungry by the time i come home for dinner. and the whole family ate without me.

and that was it.

i dun need fancy dinners, huge parties or expensive gifts.

i just need to feel that whatever action u take, it comes from your heart.

and that was it.

the beauty of it all

finally. a quiet moment in the office.

it hasn't been exactly been that peaceful recently. the tension in the office makes one go crazy. and as usual, i have been warned that it's a strict no no to rant in the blog.

sad to say, i dread coming to work.. dun get me wrong, i love my job.

just that the aura in this place has turned into a nightmare for one to step in.

and the rate for your blood to boil is so freaking fast that it really takes a strong heart to enter into this place.

the only consolation is to knoe that pple are still willing to listen to my rantings.

it's just simply a great relief to have great friends to remind u that it's worth every single moment to be alive.

and i would have to thank God for blessing me with true friendship instead of beauty. hahah.

talking about beauty. i almost choked to death when i logged onto my facebook this morning to find my younger days pictures posted up by my buddies.

imagine in the older times when there ain't any digital camera! they actually scan in the hard copies!

and these pictures that i have never thought i would get to see it for the rest of my life brings back great memories!

in actually fact, i didn't even remember taking it before!

but it really cracked me up. to see how amazingly "nerdy"n "naive" looking i was back then.

hahaha, so pple here's a sneak preview of how i look:

and just in case u couldn't recognise me, i am the one on the right.

well, go ahead and laugh. cox even i couldn't resist giggling non stop when i saw this picture. and joelyn looks like a princess next to me!

but hey, despite looking like that i actually had suitors!

hahahah, it also means that i have an "irresistible charming side of me" that attracts despite of my ugly appearance!

It's beauty that captures your
attention; personality which captures your
heart.

just came back from a family trip outing in taiwan. it's been close to 2 years since i last travelled. been looking forward for a break to seek for a direction.. i really needed one after all that happened.. but i realised i couldn't.

somehow or rather, i dun feel happy. regardless it's my worklife or my love life, i can't seem to find a reason for me to be happy. dun get me wrong, i am very grateful and blessed with good friends and family.

but recently i feel empty. really empty inside. with no directions and intentions towards my life, i felt like i am just passing each day as it is with no drive at all. i seem to have lose passion in many things. i begin to bottle my emotions to myself.

these days, i would rather spend time hiding in my room. believe me, i know this is not the solution to it. but it brings me comfort to a certain level. i can not lie and tell u i am not in depression. i am. i kinda lost my trust in things i do, pple i used to believe in and even the fact that i can acheive much more in my life.

i need a motivation. and i am still trying to look for it. i am tired. i need a good charge up to look for positive things in life. somebody help me. please

CNY came and pass. plenty of good news to start off the new year. besides TK and Mel, Sam & Wendy are getting married this year end too! that's makes it the 4th wedding i would have rsvp this year!

on top of that, Desiree and Dennis just announced their latest addition to the "D" family- Dominic! not forgeting the celebration of jeraymin's baby girl Odelia"s 1st year bdae!

Gosh, time really flies. seems like everyone is ready to settle down and here i am at a crossroad still thinking of which direction to head to..

meantime, i shall be helping out at my auntie's place (http://www.artnroses.sg) selling flowers on valentine's day. hopefully Cupid will spot me there.

life is never fair.

and i so tempted to lock my blog so that i can really rant. or at the very least i have somewhere to vent my anger on.

otherwise take the Dorrin's footsteps. take the risk then end up shutting the site down.

i am already trying my very best not to curse and swear during CNY. pple say it's not good luck to argue.

but hey, u expect me to keep quiet when i gana informed of a 35% pay cut just before CNY? WOW. HOW thoughtful.

i couldn't even tell my mum the truth else she will insist that we shouldn't go for the family trip and "the rainy day has come".

thank GOD for giving me a sister that helps to plan ahead and make me start saving for it since last year. else i would never forgive myself for disappointing my old darlings at home.

i am so "eating grass"..

a new start

2008 came and left.

not a very good year for me... fell down the stairs, failed in my relationship, having issues with my work life..

but generally, i ended my year with a fresh beginning countdown at the church. for the first time in life, i actually felt contented without doing the countdown in a club. perhaps it's the age or the focus of my life has changed?

when pple ask me what's my new year resolutions, i could really think of many.. but eventually i only want to be myself and be happy.

in life, u gain some & u lose some..

thank you God for blessing me with good friends and family that stood by me over time.

recently i have been getting the bad vibes..

my past came back to haunt me.

both of my deep dark secrets that is supposed to be locked were released.

and they are attacking me at the same time.

because of him, i was reminded of the pain and hurt.

because of them, my head just hurts so much when i see bad flashes of the past as i learn more.

after years. my heart stopped when the car drove past them. it maybe a split second that i saw the looks on their faces...

but i will NEVER FORGET.

then i learn something new today. it's like GOD is telling me this:

You have to have the bad days to APPRECIATE the GOOD ones

this is really bad. i mean we all know that the economy crisis has already hit hard..

and it has arrived at my doorsteps. my client called this morning that they are planning to put the project on shelf till further instructions from their upper management..

hopefully by later quarter next year.. which means all the hard work for the past few months is only justified after that.. which means my fat bonus is going into the lokangs.. which means i am free till chinese new year unless there's a miracle.

next bad news is my other client is doing their reinstatement job. which means we have a project. but it's the LAST project cox they are closing the regional office in Singapore. And that's my 2nd client winding up their office in Singapore within 3 months..

and heard news that a friend "volunteer" to leave his job without his bonus else he will be asked to leave for "poor performance". that poor fellow slogged hard to his current position, trained in US and the only thing he could do is to leave in peace since his renowned Japanese restaurant has already closed the US branch. and news of them closing up more branches in Singapore is already on the way.

what else can i say? no matter how bad it is, i have to stay on. regardless. i am so going to endure.

i am having monday blues..

had to drag myself to work this morning..

despite changing like 9876543210 times, i still feel like a buffalo..

my eyes are almost half closed as i type.. the workload has piled up but i am just so watching it rather than doing it..

fact that chele and her hubby are in japan visiting zhu makes me wish that i am on a holiday too..

maybe i should take a nap in the office and dream for awhile..

uncommon beauty

isn't it irony that life can be strong but fragile when shaken (vice versa)?

it's just like you need water to survive but it can also drown you to death.

i watched a documentary yesterday. i shudder and could hardly sit thru it.. i was going : "oh my god.... arghh... heartache..." throughout the entire show..

it is about this malaysian lady who was attacked by a jealous admirer who couldn't get her attention. she was a single mother who worked as a night hostress to raise her son.

the sick man attacked her with a chopper slashing her more than 22 times all over her face, head and body. it was just pure smeared blood and flesh everywhere. and yet that animal did not stop. he poured boiling water on her to watch her suffer in cruxifying pain..

the doctors could do almost nothing to save her from rotting away.. the infections were so bad that maggots eating her right eye..her face was multilated beyond how a human could look..

with barely a 30% chance of survival, it was a miracle that she managed to go through the ordeal. the journey of recovery was worse than the darkest hell.

But she didn't die. She refused to die. This extraordinary woman lives to inspire us, and tell the world, proudly, in her own words, "I still celebrate the fact that I am alive".
her life will no longer be the same. just like her face. but she found new courage to not just live, but exploit her misfortune to help others. she gave talks and even wrote a book called: "uncommon beauty"

it's so horrifying to even imagine what's she's gone through...
using the name of love, he tortured and destroy someone that he proclaims he admires..
for jealousy, he turned himself into a beast..

isn't it irony how one yearns for love but will turn into a monster when not given?

p/s: if i am ever murdered, u know who's the main suspect...

when was the last time i update? could hardly remember.. besides my life is getting so monotonous and i doubt anyone would be keen to find out more.

been so called "single" for the past close to 5 months.. was supposed to "see the light" and head for the right direction so that my life would be happier.

unfortunately, i dun see that happening.. i seem to be constantly falling into the grey area where i am neither not moving forward nor taking a step back.. i am just STUCK. the feeling is like quicksand. sinking down. maybe not in a very fast motion but definely sinking..

i didn't regret making the decision to call it quits because i would probably end up in a worse situation if i didn't voice out.

perhaps it would have been easier to walk away if the drama is about him abusing me or cheating behind my back. the issue i have is much worse than this! and i really have no idea how to solve it.. to stay or to leave? to try or to give up? so confusing...

i hate this feeling.. when can i snap out of this... arghh...

are you too complacent in what u have?

you choose to lie instead of expressing your true feelings

causing me to sob in silence, tearing my wounds that i was trying to lick to heal

you protected yourself from getting hurt, not realising that you pierce my heart in the process..

you wanted me to be fair and reminded me of the efforts you put in for me.

but were you fair in the efforts that i made for you?

you seem to forget the reasons that caused me to leave.

and now you blame me for walking away.

you took for granted the love and trust i had for you

and yet i have a responsibility to remind you to build it back.

every moment i think of it, i would never understand how a man that loves you so much is also the same man that cuts u so deeply.

this gal has lost her confidence and seek peace in hiding.

she thinks that by hiding in her bed, her world might change for the better. she knows that it is a form of denial and she wish she could snap out of it too.

but at the very least her pillow can bring her the the only comfort that will not fail her, will not bitch behind her, will not mock her.

she choose to walk away not because she doesn't love him anymore. or to look for another greener pasture. she just simply wants to heal the wounds that is so deep that till today it hurts.

she doesn't need sympathy. this old lady just needs time because she's lost and she has to find her answers.

the hurt is deeply than you think..

Yangie bdae

Sorry for the delay in these pictures.. went for the pre celebration for yangie's bdae dinner at Alexandra Village and after that went for a "chop chop" durian session at 4 season's durian cafe! guess it's was the fastest durian eating session ever cox it started raining and we hardly had any shelter! happy belated bdae again yangie!



*smile* click* prays to strike toto* smile*click* blows* mission accomplished


couples in da house!

after dinner bdae boy suggest that we eat durians for dessert! Nobody says NO to bdae boy so off from AV to still road 4 seasons durian cafe! there was like 20 of us?

all separated into different cars as it starts to drizzle on the way. i was like the last few to arrive in kev's car and by the time i reached it was erm... POURING!!!! that tiny lill shelter can hardly contain all of us! nevertheless, it can not stop us from feasting!






Caught in the act! sam> u should sell lu lian instead of bah kwa!


who are the gluttons? caught!

See! first take by Tk shows that yangie umbrella is only sheltering himself!

After much complain, yangie switches the umbrella to my side! hahaha u can stand under my umbrella, u can stand under my umbrella, ella, ella, ella, eh eh eh

case of the missing keys

i lost my keys.

yes, i know it's a typical thing for an apes to lose her keys but she usually finds it back!

but this time round, my keys really just "poof" and disappear into thin air.. and since last week!

i only discovered it like last Friday when i didn't have my keys to open the office doors.

you see, my home keys and my office keys are bundled together.. so when my dad opens the door for me when i go home in the night, i safely assumed that it's in my bag...

Asked my dad. got scolding. asked my mum. got another scolding. searched dom's car. nothing. searched kev's car. also nothing..

despite recalling where it is and searching for it high and low, i just can't find it!

sometimes the harder u try looking for something, u can be sure you won't see it even if it's right in front of you.

i have duplicate an entire new set. and now hopefully i can get the same key tag again..

my time seems to zoom pass me.

there are so many things to do and yet i just simply wana drop everything.

there will be times when i feel that i am just following the crowd and moving on with time.

Other times i will just snap back to reality and start to hang out with friends and pretend my life is normal as usual. let's recap what i did recently (in no particular order) :

• went singing with beng and jaz.
• celebrated mitch's bdae
• saw the sunrise in east coast with kev
• helped beng choose bdae present for dad
• be a volunteer for a charity walk at fort canning
• went butterfactory
• did a new pair of glasses cox my eyesight is getting from bad to worse
• had a potluck at cuzzie erik's place- "durian tiramisu" was rated not too bad
• burger party at kev's house
• Jas and TK's bdae dinner
• mj session or was it sessions?
• doing my auntie hubber stunts at watson's mega sales
• "match making" session at karaoke
• thai disco (yes, i dun believe it either)
• "strip" so that i can remeber the pain
• Sing fest at fort canning (special thanks to jason for making it happen!)

my memory is slowly lapsing into the recycle bin where i can hardly remeber what i did for these weekends. it took me a very long time to stare at the calendar and recall the list above. and they are jumbled..

more to come:

• collection of altered dress (gathering dust at the shop for months)
• shopping for gifts that were long overdue..
• yangie's bdae dinner
• boat trip!
• Kelong "strictly no man" party
• eyelashes perming/ brows trimming
• Flashing of "Qimong" / IPL underarm
• cleaning of room (which is like a legend)
• bladding
• connections with GOD
• celebrating National day
• girls night out for return of ice queen
• more match making sessions and hopefully no more thai disco!

despite all these, i feel kinda empty. and i know i haven't been there when u need me the most.. i'm sorry.

when was the last time i've seen u?

when was the last time i spoke with my heart?

when was the last time i can type freely and express myself?

i dun remeber. which is why i say i am a lousy friend.

but i do know that having a blog and not being able to pour my frustrations freely is a horrible thing!

i can't take it anymore. i can feel that my behaviour is getting weirder by the day. i freak out at every tiny lill thing that happens.

i dun understand wat is wrong with me. i just wana tuck into a corner of my bed and pretend i dun exist. i no longer picks up calls.. i believe this is the start of my freak out days..

i freak out when i was at his house the other night. he fell asleep at the sofa and i was just staring at him. the familiar sight was just unbelievable pain to me.. i could hardly breathe and ended up sleeping in bed sobbing in slient.

i felt a fear in my heart. it felt like being in a place that you are so used to but yet feel like a stranger.. i realised it's has nothing to do with him. it's just me who can't deal my own emotions anymore..

i could no longer grasp what's in front of me. it's like a child that wouldn't dare to step near to the edge of the pool once almost drowned before..

everything just seems so overwhelming. and yet the only thing i could do is just be vulnerable and fall into pieces..

if it's not for all of you that held me close when i fall, i would probably be worse than now.

if it's not for him who gave me patience all these while, i might not even be able to stand up anymore..

if there's no love, there would be no hurt..