ten years

it's been ten years since he's gone..when erik called me in the morning, i trembled..

i couldn't decide if i should go.. i felt the pain in the heart even after ten years..
the memories, good and bad... started to flood my mind..

after all, there were many first times with him..

my first time drinking coffee and grew to love it..

my first time going to the field and catch grasshoppers

my first time to fix a jigsaw puzzle

my first time to learn how to play chinese chess and those marble games..

he was my handyman who could fix anything in the world

he was my favourite part of every weekend cox i knew he was waiting for me diligently..

he was my teacher who taught me about life.. the good and the BAD

he was my joy but yet the one who brought the darkest secret and pain in my life..

he was the one who made me realised that the closest to you is also the one that can hurt you the most.

i loved him but hate him to the core for changing my life totally, making me into a person with split personality....

i tot i would have let go after he passed away... at least that was what i whispered to myself at his deathbed..

i tot i have forgiven him for the hurt he has given me since i grew to be sensible..

but i couldn't face him at all today.. i couldn't... i felt all the hurt and pain coming back after twenty years...

it hit me very badly that THE PAST, no matter how well u hide it... no matter how deep you stash it away in your heart, it will always have the ability to come back and haunt you....

from 8 years old to 18 years old to the turning of 28 years old..... it's ten years of torment, ten years of missing him..

i am trying.. really trying not to be affect at all.. GOD give me strength and let me learn to love but not hate for afterall, IT'S over since he passed away.... but the mental torture will come nak haunting you once in a while....