are you too complacent in what u have?

you choose to lie instead of expressing your true feelings

causing me to sob in silence, tearing my wounds that i was trying to lick to heal

you protected yourself from getting hurt, not realising that you pierce my heart in the process..

you wanted me to be fair and reminded me of the efforts you put in for me.

but were you fair in the efforts that i made for you?

you seem to forget the reasons that caused me to leave.

and now you blame me for walking away.

you took for granted the love and trust i had for you

and yet i have a responsibility to remind you to build it back.

every moment i think of it, i would never understand how a man that loves you so much is also the same man that cuts u so deeply.

this gal has lost her confidence and seek peace in hiding.

she thinks that by hiding in her bed, her world might change for the better. she knows that it is a form of denial and she wish she could snap out of it too.

but at the very least her pillow can bring her the the only comfort that will not fail her, will not bitch behind her, will not mock her.

she choose to walk away not because she doesn't love him anymore. or to look for another greener pasture. she just simply wants to heal the wounds that is so deep that till today it hurts.

she doesn't need sympathy. this old lady just needs time because she's lost and she has to find her answers.

the hurt is deeply than you think..

Yangie bdae

Sorry for the delay in these pictures.. went for the pre celebration for yangie's bdae dinner at Alexandra Village and after that went for a "chop chop" durian session at 4 season's durian cafe! guess it's was the fastest durian eating session ever cox it started raining and we hardly had any shelter! happy belated bdae again yangie!



*smile* click* prays to strike toto* smile*click* blows* mission accomplished


couples in da house!

after dinner bdae boy suggest that we eat durians for dessert! Nobody says NO to bdae boy so off from AV to still road 4 seasons durian cafe! there was like 20 of us?

all separated into different cars as it starts to drizzle on the way. i was like the last few to arrive in kev's car and by the time i reached it was erm... POURING!!!! that tiny lill shelter can hardly contain all of us! nevertheless, it can not stop us from feasting!






Caught in the act! sam> u should sell lu lian instead of bah kwa!


who are the gluttons? caught!

See! first take by Tk shows that yangie umbrella is only sheltering himself!

After much complain, yangie switches the umbrella to my side! hahaha u can stand under my umbrella, u can stand under my umbrella, ella, ella, ella, eh eh eh

case of the missing keys

i lost my keys.

yes, i know it's a typical thing for an apes to lose her keys but she usually finds it back!

but this time round, my keys really just "poof" and disappear into thin air.. and since last week!

i only discovered it like last Friday when i didn't have my keys to open the office doors.

you see, my home keys and my office keys are bundled together.. so when my dad opens the door for me when i go home in the night, i safely assumed that it's in my bag...

Asked my dad. got scolding. asked my mum. got another scolding. searched dom's car. nothing. searched kev's car. also nothing..

despite recalling where it is and searching for it high and low, i just can't find it!

sometimes the harder u try looking for something, u can be sure you won't see it even if it's right in front of you.

i have duplicate an entire new set. and now hopefully i can get the same key tag again..

my time seems to zoom pass me.

there are so many things to do and yet i just simply wana drop everything.

there will be times when i feel that i am just following the crowd and moving on with time.

Other times i will just snap back to reality and start to hang out with friends and pretend my life is normal as usual. let's recap what i did recently (in no particular order) :

• went singing with beng and jaz.
• celebrated mitch's bdae
• saw the sunrise in east coast with kev
• helped beng choose bdae present for dad
• be a volunteer for a charity walk at fort canning
• went butterfactory
• did a new pair of glasses cox my eyesight is getting from bad to worse
• had a potluck at cuzzie erik's place- "durian tiramisu" was rated not too bad
• burger party at kev's house
• Jas and TK's bdae dinner
• mj session or was it sessions?
• doing my auntie hubber stunts at watson's mega sales
• "match making" session at karaoke
• thai disco (yes, i dun believe it either)
• "strip" so that i can remeber the pain
• Sing fest at fort canning (special thanks to jason for making it happen!)

my memory is slowly lapsing into the recycle bin where i can hardly remeber what i did for these weekends. it took me a very long time to stare at the calendar and recall the list above. and they are jumbled..

more to come:

• collection of altered dress (gathering dust at the shop for months)
• shopping for gifts that were long overdue..
• yangie's bdae dinner
• boat trip!
• Kelong "strictly no man" party
• eyelashes perming/ brows trimming
• Flashing of "Qimong" / IPL underarm
• cleaning of room (which is like a legend)
• bladding
• connections with GOD
• celebrating National day
• girls night out for return of ice queen
• more match making sessions and hopefully no more thai disco!

despite all these, i feel kinda empty. and i know i haven't been there when u need me the most.. i'm sorry.

when was the last time i've seen u?

when was the last time i spoke with my heart?

when was the last time i can type freely and express myself?

i dun remeber. which is why i say i am a lousy friend.

but i do know that having a blog and not being able to pour my frustrations freely is a horrible thing!

i can't take it anymore. i can feel that my behaviour is getting weirder by the day. i freak out at every tiny lill thing that happens.

i dun understand wat is wrong with me. i just wana tuck into a corner of my bed and pretend i dun exist. i no longer picks up calls.. i believe this is the start of my freak out days..

i freak out when i was at his house the other night. he fell asleep at the sofa and i was just staring at him. the familiar sight was just unbelievable pain to me.. i could hardly breathe and ended up sleeping in bed sobbing in slient.

i felt a fear in my heart. it felt like being in a place that you are so used to but yet feel like a stranger.. i realised it's has nothing to do with him. it's just me who can't deal my own emotions anymore..

i could no longer grasp what's in front of me. it's like a child that wouldn't dare to step near to the edge of the pool once almost drowned before..

everything just seems so overwhelming. and yet the only thing i could do is just be vulnerable and fall into pieces..

if it's not for all of you that held me close when i fall, i would probably be worse than now.

if it's not for him who gave me patience all these while, i might not even be able to stand up anymore..

if there's no love, there would be no hurt..

happily ever after

do u believe in fairy tales?

the "lived happily ever after" couple?

the knight that will rescue the princess from the horrible dragon that eats everything?

the magic true love kiss that transform the frog into a prince?

that wakes the sleeping beauty from the deep sleep?

that turns the beast into the handsome prince?

i used to day dream that i get to be that princess who just got lucky and falls for a man..

who will do nothing but protect the princess and see her as the only important woman in his life.

that he would fend off all nasty monsters that bullies her.

would kiss her passionately while holding her in his arms tightly.

would cherish and love her till "happily ever after".

i know i am not the prettiest, the hottest, the smartest.

but i wished to be loved the way every woman desired. that her man would only see her in his eyes.

and let her know that she is more important than anything else in the world.

that you can feel that he really wants u when he hugs and kiss you.

be it rich or poor,

good looking or ugly,

fat or skinny,

an ogre or a prince,

he just need to be the knight in my heart..

meantime, i shall be in the fortress waiting for the right one to lift the curse off me and rub the magic love dust so that i can live happily ever after too..

there are times when u feel down and lousy..

i keep getting these times recently..

i felt so f*cked when i forgot to buy medication for my mum.

i felt so f*cked when i didn't go church.

i felt so f*cked when my grandma couldn't recognised me.

i felt so f*cked when i should have clean my room but i choose to hide.

didn't really feel like going to work but didn't have a choice.

didn't feel like doing anything but hide.

i slept till my head hurts more than my heart..

where is my rainbow after the rain?

wedding party at rochester park

Round 2 of wedding celebration: Rochester Park.

lovely place with plenty of food and wine.
at least not a typical banquet where it's more relaxing.

he even got polarid cameras to keep the guest entertained while waiting..

i was told to reach early so that i could help out at the reception again.

but they apparently didn't need my help cox the reception was over flow with helpers.

chele was late as usual and didn't make her appearance till food was served!

so i tot maybe i could start eating coz i was starving!!

but dinner wasn't served till late.. just like a typical banquet..

so while waiting, the nice waiteress keep offering me drinks... and more drinks..

i had almost a bottle of white on my own before dinner was served!


My elder sis and bro in law. small fart didn't tag along cox it was an "adult affair"


i used to tag along when my cuzie erik goes clubbing with his friends. and that's how my bro in law got to know my sis too. hehehe. after 8 years before i get to see them again!

George. one of the brothers that used to "take care" of me. my godma's god son. hhmmm.. that makes him my god bro?


Chele and her beau. going to be the new member in our family on 27th Dec. and he knows i will be guarding the gate so he's extremly nice to me!

Typical pose with my favourite female cuzie chele! the one that speaks in japanese when she's drunk!
Erik's mum aka my "godma". alot of pple says that i looked like her more than my mum. and for her age, her figure is to kill!. and she swears by YOGA! i doubt i can do yoga but i am pretty sure she is what i wana be when i grow older!!

shh..... no freaky japanese when u are drunk!

long live cuzzies forever!! *if only zippy is here...

wedding on friday the 13th!

introducing my favourite male and female cuzzies: Michele and Erik

one is younger by 2 years (though my grandma insist she is older..hahaha)

one is older by 1 year.

BOTH are getting married this year.... more like one had already started his tan tan life..

attended Erik's wedding on 13th June 2008 (friday the 13th!!!) & 14th June 2008.

yes he had like 2 days of celebration with the typical chinese banquet on 13th and a friends party on 14th.

i guess he would rather choose to have more fun with his friends and colleagues separately and yet pacify the parents with the banquet for the family and relatives.

me, being the relative and the hip cuzzie was invited for both!

thanks to erik, who insist that his banquet comes with a "shanghai night" theme. and for the sake of my favourite male cuzie, i went to the extreme of going for a "makeover" to suit the theme!

the not completed spize girls (from left: michele, apes, celindra and zippy)

different pple just have different looks when wearing cheongsam. ..

chele freaking look like some chun li waitress and i look like those 1960s shanghai mamasan/ songstress!

but my elder sis apparently still looking younger and hot mama of one!

it would have been completed if zippy had wore a cheongsam which she insist that rather not else she would like a "jin gang" barbie..

chele's wedding coming up on 27th Dec.. No themes please!

Chele was trying her luck to get some fluffy fans to do some gimmicks just for erik. she touched down on the actual day and went over to chinatown to search high and low for it! in the end she managed to get 4 red fans with the words xi on them.

4 red fans from chinatown: $20

summons for double yellow line in barely 10 mins for these fans: $50 (ahahaha)

efforts made for this wedding: priceless!

For the new tans tans: it takes alot to be walking hand in hand for the rest of your lives..

so better treat her like u never before and dun take her for granted

or ma ma will punch u again!

May God bless you both with a blissful and happy marriage.. welcome to our family biao sao!

maybe

i choose to walk away.

from a step to marriage to a path that i decided that i would like to walk on my own for a while.

not because that he is not good enough for me.

he has never failed to make me laugh.

he has never stopped loving me.

it's just me who has changed.

perhaps i didn't have enough faith.

perhaps i didn't have enough hope.

perhaps i didn't have enough love.

perhaps i didn't have the courage and the strength to walk thru it cox i was hurt along the way and the wound is too deep to recover for now.

perhaps my heart has closed.

perhaps my heart has changed.

YES IT HURTS

i supposed this blog will suddenly become the "most visited" blog because of what happen to us recently..

to the rest of the pple who' s asking:

YES. i am taking a break from my current relationship with my bf.

YES we are facing issues here.

YES it hurts alot for the both of us.

So please stop asking him. let him have a peace of mind. when he is ready to talk, he will approach you and pour out his feelings.

And beng. the poor fellow has to take care of both side plus pple trying to get the full story.

there was no blame in any of the above. between kev and me, we are grateful that there are so many pple who are concern. it means that we have been popular and well- loved. but please give him the space and continue to shower him with the love and care u guys have. be there for him. dun be there cox u want to hear stories.

my younger sis told me this and i find it meaningful:

Search for serenity to accept the things we cannot change

seek the courage to change the things that we can

find the wisdom to know the difference.

faith, hope and love is what that will keep us strong.

have you ever?

* Have you ever loved somebody so much
It makes you cry
Have you ever needed something so hard
You can't sleep at night
Have ever tried to find the words
But they don't come out right
Have you ever, Have you ever

Have you ever been in love
Been in love so bad
You'd do anything to make them understand
Have you ever had someone steal your heart away
You'd give anything to make them feel the same
Have you ever searched for words to get you in their heart
But you don't know what to say
And you don't know where to start
[Repeat *]

Have you ever found the one
You've dreamed of all your life
You'd do anything to look into their eyes
Have you finally found the one you've given your heart
Only to find that one won't give their heart to you
Have you ever closed your eyes and
Dreamed that they were there
And all you can do is wait for that day when they will care


What do I gotta do to get you in my arms baby
What do I gotta do to get your heart
To make you understand how I need you next to me
Gotta get you in my world'
Coz baby I can't sleep

haven't been in the best of moods recently... i feel so lost and confused at this point in my life..

alot happen recently... things just dun seems to be going on smoothly.. and my life just go tipsy turvy specially after my bdae.. guess the age has slapped me in the face with alot of truth:

where am i heading to in terms of career? isn't time for me to upgrade myself before i get too complacent? he is already making it pretty obvious that he will drop me like a hot potato the minute i can't commit to his requirements... so what if i am promised a profit sharing? as long as i dun see it in black and white it's as good as a dream....

where are my directions in my love life? i dun deny that i am facing issues with my relationship. and the thing is i dun have an answer after 4 1/2 years... i can't seem to find a reason to convince myself that i am ready to continue. .

am i just being negative? or am i just too tired to try out anymore? is my heart dead? in the beginning i felt the energy sucked away from me, making me so empty... from laugh ing to crying out loud... why do i feel nothing now but weak and numb?

am i running away from reality and hiding instead of facing it? why am i such a coward to face it? am i really a failure? perhaps too much disappointments and too many questions that i can never answer makes me so drained that i just wana hide and hope the bad things will go away... though i know it will never happen......

i feel helpless... i could do nothing but watch.. it's like sand slipping through my hands... no matter how i grasp it just keep falling....

i think i need professional help.

would you like it if it's you in the cage?

was watching a tv programme that day.. it made me realised that there might be inconsiderate pple around and GOD created beautiful pple to balance the ugly act of the society..


it's about this Architect that could have easily earn thousands each month but chose to take time off to work on the homes of the poor moon bears that had been saved from bear farms.


these bears were locked up in a super duper small cages for ages.. can u imagine being cooped up in a cage smaller than a cabinet for 20 years of your life? they are kept there with injuries as pple poaching them for their bile are considered legal!!! . in order to prevent attacked by the bears claws, these heartless mankind actually cut off the bears's fingers so they dun have to trim the nails frequently..

majority of these bears that were rescued ended up in either dead or mentality issues. when the bear keeps moving to and fro in small steps, it's is as if he is doing a lovely dance. but the truth is he is still in the illusion that he is still stuck in the hell's cage and he needs to move in this manner so he knows he is still alive.. i couldn't help but cry as my heart crings when i saw the clip.. in the bears graveyard, these bears were given lovely names and a proper burial.. a name and date to remeber them as being individuals rather than just nothing but a product that pple make use of and kill it after that..

how could pple be so inhuman to do things like that? they may not be human but they are animals that deserve a chance to live their life too..

spread the love and GOD bless those poor souls...may they rest in peace..

log on to : www.animalasia.org to read more on it.

ten years

it's been ten years since he's gone..when erik called me in the morning, i trembled..

i couldn't decide if i should go.. i felt the pain in the heart even after ten years..
the memories, good and bad... started to flood my mind..

after all, there were many first times with him..

my first time drinking coffee and grew to love it..

my first time going to the field and catch grasshoppers

my first time to fix a jigsaw puzzle

my first time to learn how to play chinese chess and those marble games..

he was my handyman who could fix anything in the world

he was my favourite part of every weekend cox i knew he was waiting for me diligently..

he was my teacher who taught me about life.. the good and the BAD

he was my joy but yet the one who brought the darkest secret and pain in my life..

he was the one who made me realised that the closest to you is also the one that can hurt you the most.

i loved him but hate him to the core for changing my life totally, making me into a person with split personality....

i tot i would have let go after he passed away... at least that was what i whispered to myself at his deathbed..

i tot i have forgiven him for the hurt he has given me since i grew to be sensible..

but i couldn't face him at all today.. i couldn't... i felt all the hurt and pain coming back after twenty years...

it hit me very badly that THE PAST, no matter how well u hide it... no matter how deep you stash it away in your heart, it will always have the ability to come back and haunt you....

from 8 years old to 18 years old to the turning of 28 years old..... it's ten years of torment, ten years of missing him..

i am trying.. really trying not to be affect at all.. GOD give me strength and let me learn to love but not hate for afterall, IT'S over since he passed away.... but the mental torture will come nak haunting you once in a while....

Dear lord,

would like to repent for my sins. i ate too much junk, drank too much wine and did too lill work. worse of all, i gamble alot!

i nuah and nuah and refused to wake up to my senses..

i can't help but ask myself what i have done to deserve love from you. i did no good thru out and yet u choose to stick by my side. thank you for staying at my side regardless how lousy a person i am.

i love you and will learn to be a better person...

the ah tor queen emerges again..

i am such a horrible person. i did it again. (*looks guilty*)

the year before last was Ivan.

last year were Gary & David

this year is Yang, Hanny and BF

I AM REALLY SORRY

not only did i make a scene, i cried like a baby too.

i felt very emotional.

maybe it's because 9 years ago, i caused my best friend to be paralyzed on a Christmas Eve.the fact that i can drink and party while he sits on a wheelchair forever made me crappy.

Maybe the fact that my company is splitting up and it will be the last time i give my boss2 his christmas gift. After all, i worked with him for at least 6 years.

Maybe i felt that i was taken granted by someone and it affects me alot.

Maybe i have been too tied up with work that dun have time to do many things.. turning alot of outings down but yet pple are forgiving..

i neglect alot of love ones around me..

like my family who dun even get to see me during this period.

the only time i have with my mum is to watch her sleep..

like my bitches who will give me time just to hear me nag and cry while i couldn't even afford to be there when they need me.

i never knew i was so AFRAID of losing our friendship. but i know that our friendship IS STRONG.

like my darling bro who would do anything but forsake me even though i threw my tantrums at him.

like all my other friends who still send me greetings sms despite me giving them the "kite" treatment.

like the rest of the world who chooses to forgive this clumsy gal even though she pisses pple off for the wrong reasons.

"Christmas is about forgiving, giving and sharing."

Thank you for being there for me.

thank you for forgiving me

thank you for giving and sharing your love

i may not be the best friend you can find, but i know u are the best gift i receive from God. Merry Christmas to all who's reading. amen.